No Title.

It's been a while since I've written a new blog post... and it's been a while since I've had a "melt-down"...

So, today I'm just going to talk about what I'm going through and ask that you pray for me.

Every once in a while (used to be pretty frequent, but have slowed way down over the past few years) I have melt downs where I cry to the point of hyperventilating (however you spell that) and typically they lead to a deep depression.

For someone that doesn't cuss, the only words that came to mind last night were F everyone and everything... I was thinking about how much I hate everyone and I hate my lonely life... and even how I hate my friends.

After crying for about an hour, I decided I needed to shower and was going to just have a drink when I got out and then crash.... I thought about calling my grandma and driving to her house to sleep in her bed... but I decided drinking isn't going to help and I really didn't want to explain my pain to my grandma at that moment so I just showered and went to bed.

So, I struggle with some things from time to time...

I struggle with being alone, yet I love living alone.
I struggle with hating my friends sometimes, yet I need them to do things with me so that I'm not always at home.
I struggle with MEN. I hate them. I know it stems from my relationships/lack there of with my dad and stepdad. And even though I've forgiven them both... I even blame them still sometimes (not often). I HATE being single. I hate being used. Actually I think I hate most of my guy friends and most of my girlfriends too.

And if you're my friend and you're reading this... NO I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE my family. My mom is freaking amazing. My sisters are awesome. I live for my sisters. My little sisters are my world. My dad (stepdad) has good intentions. My aunt and cousins make me laugh and keep me busy and I love them for it. My grandma helps me to survive. She's my backbone. My other family, my biological family, is cool too.

Anyway, I had a meltdown yesterday. Almost had one on Sunday too so I wasn't surprised that this one happened last night. But I'm NOT going to be depressed. I REFUSE to go back into depression. It sucks and I've been there too many times to count. It's the hardest thing in the world to come out of depression and I am DETERMINED TO NOT SINK BACK INTO IT. I'M TOO BLESSED... GOD'S BEEN TOO GOOD TO ME AND MY FAMILY.

So... if you're going through something... please know you're not alone. Pray for me and I'll do the same for all of you. Prayer is powerful.

PS... please don't text or call me to talk about how I feel, just please pray for me. And especially please do NOT ask me about this post or tell me that you saw it or ask if I'm okay when you see me. There's nothing worse than people reminding you that you're depressed or struggling with that area... oh and I HATE when people ask me where my Man is... UGH!! He's wherever God has him at right now waiting until I'm emotionally and spiritually ready for him.Which obviously I'm not. Which sucks, but I'm making progress... probably not as fast as I should, but I'm trying.

I didn't write this for sympathy. I don't need your sympathy. Obviously if you've been around me, you know that I love to smile and I love to kick it and have a good time. Oh, and I don't need even your friendship if you're not planning on being around for a while and if you can't be a prayer warrior for me. I only need people in my life who are going to pray for me and be there for the long run. Like I said, I even struggle in the area of friends. I hate some of my best friends sometimes. I'm working on it though. I have learned that people don't always go all out for you the way you would for them. And I've learned that my idea of being a good friend to someone, may not be the same as their idea. So I'm just going to pray about it. Hope you join me in prayer. I need it.